I was over at a friend's house the other day; actually, I begged my way into his house with promises of gouging my eyes out and laying on his front lawn slowly dying continuously waving to his neighbors and they walked by. I am not a dramatic person, but sometimes one has to go to extreme measures to get out of a long lonely weekend, sitting on the couch eating chocolate covered strawberries and squirting cheese whiz into my mouth watching Lifetime for woman. I digress, so we were having the best meal for depression, PIZZA! And of course talking about our love lives, or non-existence of them, I was ranting on about how I need to stop eating and start exercising more when I came up with the best thought in the world. When we take too many drugs we go to detox clinics; if we drink to much we detox our bodies to get rid of the nasty substance; if we eat too many bad foods we will take certain drugs or herbs to detox the nasty shit in our bodies; why are we not detoxing our bodies after a few bad relationships? So, my oh-so-clever friends informs me that detoxing is exactly what I am doing at this moment. Yes, I may be detoxing at this moment, crying my eyes out to the point that Quasimodo would ask me to put some makeup on cause I was nauseating him, but there has to be more levels to this detox than just crying. A few days went by, and the word detox came back into my mind on several occasions. So I reviewed my breakups and some of the best and worst breakups my friends and family have had. I came up with 5 levels of detox that would set anyone straight. Please, I am not a Doctor but I do play one on an occasional Saturday night with some friends.
Step 1: Crying
Crying is the first basic step of detox. It is essential to cry to start getting rid of all of the reasons that you are not together anymore. Now, crying is an art. NO ONE wants to see slimy shit coming out of your face, NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL. When a friend comes in for a hug to console you during a crying period, holding on for more than 15 seconds becomes awkward and then the friend doesn't want to give you affection like that again. Phone calls while crying don't make any sense, please avoid at all costs. But take your time and cry as much as you can. Once you get through this first initial stage, not only will you be able to put eye liner on your top lid, you will be able to go through the next four steps and be on your way to another bad relationship.
Step 2: Stalking
PLEASE do not mistake this type of stalking for the I-love-you-that's-why-I'm-following-you stalking. This type of stalking is the serious kind, because in no way shape or form do you want to see them having fun or in extreme cases, with all their limbs. This stalking becomes devious and sneaky ( no, the other was NOT sneaky...the other stalking was there so you were more AVAILABLE to him and closer to his house if he called). There is no expectation of him calling, so we are just keeping tabs on his pathetic life...and if there is the possibility that there is another car in his driveway that may possibly be a girl...we will wait until she leaves, but it's vital to your detox that you know what she looks like and also get her license plate so a good friend of yours that is a skip tracer can find out where she lives so you can STALK her. NOW...I do not condone violence, so anyone that causes bodily harm to someone after or during stalking will be frowned up (of course after we give you a high five for a fantastic job).
Step 3: Destruction
THIS step is my favorite...OH the exhilaration one gets from destroying objects that once belonged to a low life piece of shit that you loved so dearly. What usually happens, of course during step 1 when you still want him back, is a sweet sentiment of informing him that you are going to return the items that he left at your place. Of course you say this when you want to seem sweet and lady like so that he will realize that you are the best thing that he could possibly ever get. You never get the courage to return the items, because if you do then the relationship seems over and you are doomed to repeat step 1 more often. So, you hold on to these items and place them in a sacred drawer, so that when he does come back you can show him how well you took care of his belongings (<-----yeah...see there....not fully done with the detox are we?..that's why there are 5 steps people and not three). So when you finally reach step 3...give it three days or three weeks....there seems to be more of a realistic idea that HE IS NOT COMMIN BACK!! So, now the anger sets in. This step, depending on who you are and how close you are to the person gong through the detox, may be a dangerous one. Please stay back with your head down and come in with a submissive stance. Moving too quickly toward a person going through RD3 (Relationship Detox 3) can result in blood shed. Have fun.....rip it, destroy it, burn it, run over it with your car MULTIPLE times, and if you are as crafty as my Tia...make beautiful curtains out of it. The rejuvenation that comes from step 3 is better than any gathering of bitter woman comparing their worst relationships over the best bottle of Merlot.
Step 4: Realization
Step 4 is one that helps the most in moving toward step 5. The three above steps are in no particular order. Some people stay on the destruction piece a little longer than needed (Right Tia?) Some like to spend more of their time crying, I unlike the other tend to fancy step 2 (Right Greg?). However, it is essential to move to step 4 BEFORE there is even a possibility to reach 5. So what is the Realization step you say? Well, this is when you feel that little twinge of jealously having the thought enter your mind that he could be kissing another, and think that you are going to start step 1 ALL over again. Until you begin thinking that he was not really a good kisser...and you hated the way he chewed. AND OH GOD how could you forget the crooked toe on his left foot that always seemed to wiggle when you looked at it. So, now you begin to realize that maybe there were more negative things about him than positive. And the thought of getting back with him is not as pleasant as it was before. This step takes a little longer, there are times where you regress back to earlier steps but you stay a shorter time on them then the first round. Once you hit this step two or three times, you can breath a little easier it seems...you like more things again....you begin to laugh...friends actually start looking you in the eyes again and the fear they once had of you has gone. Then you are ready for step 5
Step 5: Acceptance
This step is enlightenment. The world is right again...the air smells sweet...music is enjoyable...birds tap at your window to say good morning (OK that's more like Cinderella...but you get the idea). And then it happens......HE CALLS....you contemplate for a moment...do you pick up...do you act busy....do you ignore it completely...THINK QUICK...it's not gonna ring forever...your gonna show him, your gonna let him know how much better you are with out him, so you pick up ..."OMG I was just thinking of you, I missed you so much"
BAM......Kick your sorry ass back to step 1...HAVE YOU LEARNED nothing? Well...just like dieting....you have to attend years worth of Weight Watchers meetings before you realize that you fucking cannot stuff your face every night and skip breakfast the next morning and still loose weight. OH WELL...happy stepping!
