Detoxification

I was over at a friend's house the other day; actually, I begged my way into his house with promises of gouging my eyes out and laying on his front lawn slowly dying continuously waving to his neighbors and they walked by. I am not a dramatic person, but sometimes one has to go to extreme measures to get out of a long lonely weekend, sitting on the couch eating chocolate covered strawberries and squirting cheese whiz into my mouth watching Lifetime for woman. I digress, so we were having the best meal for depression, PIZZA! And of course talking about our love lives, or non-existence of them, I was ranting on about how I need to stop eating and start exercising more when I came up with the best thought in the world. When we take too many drugs we go to detox clinics; if we drink to much we detox our bodies to get rid of the nasty substance; if we eat too many bad foods we will take certain drugs or herbs to detox the nasty shit in our bodies; why are we not detoxing our bodies after a few bad relationships? So, my oh-so-clever friends informs me that detoxing is exactly what I am doing at this moment. Yes, I may be detoxing at this moment, crying my eyes out to the point that Quasimodo would ask me to put some makeup on cause I was nauseating him, but there has to be more levels to this detox than just crying. A few days went by, and the word detox came back into my mind on several occasions. So I reviewed my breakups and some of the best and worst breakups my friends and family have had. I came up with 5 levels of detox that would set anyone straight. Please, I am not a Doctor but I do play one on an occasional Saturday night with some friends.
 
Step 1: Crying
     Crying is the first basic step of detox. It is essential to cry to start getting rid of all of the reasons that you are not together anymore. Now, crying is an art. NO ONE wants to see slimy shit coming out of your face, NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL. When a friend comes in for a hug to console you during a crying period, holding on for more than 15 seconds becomes awkward and then the friend doesn't want to give you affection like that again. Phone calls while crying don't make any sense, please avoid at all costs. But take your time and cry as much as you can. Once you get through this first initial stage, not only will you be able to put eye liner on your top lid, you will be able to go through the next four steps and be on your way to another bad relationship.
 
Step 2: Stalking
     PLEASE do not mistake this type of stalking for the I-love-you-that's-why-I'm-following-you stalking. This type of stalking is the serious kind, because in no way shape or form do you want to see them having fun or in extreme cases, with all their limbs. This stalking becomes devious and sneaky ( no, the other was NOT sneaky...the other stalking was there so you were more AVAILABLE to him and closer to his house if he called). There is no expectation of him calling, so we are just keeping tabs on his pathetic life...and if there is the possibility that there is another car in his driveway that may possibly be a girl...we will wait until she leaves, but it's vital to your detox that you know what she looks like and also get her license plate so a good friend of yours that is a skip tracer can find out where she lives so you can STALK her. NOW...I do not condone violence, so anyone that causes bodily harm to someone after or during stalking will be frowned up (of course after we give you a high five for a fantastic job).
 
Step 3: Destruction
     THIS step is my favorite...OH the exhilaration one gets from destroying objects that once belonged to a low life piece of shit that you loved so dearly. What usually happens, of course during step 1 when you still want him back, is a sweet sentiment of informing him that you are going to return the items that he left at your place. Of course you say this when you want to seem sweet and lady like so that he will realize that you are the best thing that he could possibly ever get. You never get the courage to return the items, because if you do then the relationship seems over and you are doomed to repeat step 1 more often. So, you hold on to these items and place them in a sacred drawer, so that when he does come back you can show him how well you took care of his belongings (<-----yeah...see there....not fully done with the detox are we?..that's why there are 5 steps people and not three). So when you finally reach step 3...give it three days or three weeks....there seems to be more of a realistic idea that  HE IS NOT COMMIN BACK!! So, now the anger sets in. This step, depending on who you are and how close you are to the person gong through the detox, may be a dangerous one. Please stay back with your head down and come in with a submissive stance. Moving too quickly toward a person going through RD3 (Relationship Detox 3) can result in blood shed. Have fun.....rip it, destroy it, burn it, run over it with your car MULTIPLE times, and if you are as crafty as my Tia...make beautiful curtains out of it. The rejuvenation that comes from step 3 is better than any gathering of bitter woman comparing their worst relationships over the best bottle of Merlot.
 
Step 4: Realization
     Step 4 is one that helps the most in moving toward step 5. The three above steps are in no particular order. Some people stay on the destruction piece a little longer than needed (Right Tia?) Some like to spend more of their time crying, I unlike the other tend to fancy step 2 (Right Greg?). However, it is essential to move to step 4 BEFORE there is even a possibility to reach 5. So what is the Realization step you say? Well, this is when you feel that little twinge of jealously having the thought enter your mind that he could be kissing another, and think that you are going to start step 1 ALL over again. Until you begin thinking that he was not really a good kisser...and you hated the way he chewed. AND OH GOD how could you forget the crooked toe on his left foot that always seemed to wiggle when you looked at it. So, now you begin to realize that maybe there were more negative things about him than positive. And the thought of getting back with him is not as pleasant as it was before. This step takes a little longer, there are times where you regress back to earlier steps but you stay a shorter time on them then the first round. Once you hit this step two or three times, you can breath a little easier it seems...you like more things again....you begin to laugh...friends actually start looking you in the eyes again and the fear they once had of you has gone. Then you are ready for step 5
 
Step 5: Acceptance
     This step is enlightenment. The world is right again...the air smells sweet...music is enjoyable...birds tap at your window to say good morning (OK that's more like Cinderella...but you get the idea). And then it happens......HE CALLS....you contemplate for a moment...do you pick up...do you act busy....do you ignore it completely...THINK QUICK...it's not gonna ring forever...your gonna show him, your gonna let him know how much better you are with out him, so you pick up ..."OMG I was just thinking of you, I missed you so much"
 
BAM......Kick your sorry ass back to step 1...HAVE YOU LEARNED nothing? Well...just like dieting....you have to attend years worth of Weight Watchers meetings before you realize that you fucking cannot stuff your face every night and skip breakfast the next morning and still loose weight. OH WELL...happy stepping!

Stalking is the new "I LOVE YOU"

O.K. so when you first read the title you thought to yourself...OMG that is horrible I hate people who do this. BUT, after thinking about that for a second you realized that you may need to read on, due to the fact that you may be a violator of the STALKING is the new "I LOVE YOU".

So, you go out on a date with a guy and you hit it off.....you really like him. He calls, plans to go out again and you are all like "he is my new hubby". What is the first thing you do? Yep, thats right....you search his name on Facebook. You want to see if he has a profile and if it is open. If it's not open then you try to search through as many of his friends' profiles to see if they are open..and the tick of jealousy begins when you see how many hot girls he is friends with. NOW, if you hit the jackpot and he does not have a private profile, you go through the entire HISTORY of his Facebook to see what he has been up to say...for a few years. Every comment gets analyzed every posting gets double checked. YOU NEED to know the entire history of his Facebook page. So......you do this for the evening then go out that weekend. Let's skip through a few weeks....he doesn't call...or he changes his plans with you. You are sitting home thinking...maybe he needs me...I probably should drive past his house 40 times tonight, because if he calls/texts and wants to see me then I can get there quickly. The funny part is....you cannot drive past in YOUR car, so you take your friends, OH did I mention that it is 2 AM in the morning? <---- yea..that little bit of information might have been helpful earlier in this posting. This is not considered stalking you tell yourself...this is just being available at all time for your man.

Other things that are not considered stalking...

-having your friend drive past his house, while you duck down in the backseat

-looking up his name on Zabasearch to see all of the different places he has lived (yep your doing it now aren't you?)

-Cheking out where else his name apears on the Internet, so you place his name in quotes in the Google search bar...yep, there is another one for you "so called" NON stalkers

-checking out his ex-wifes (or wife's) profile to see if there is any information on there about him

-trying to get all of his friends to friend you on Facebook so that they know you guys are together

-checking his mileage on his truck when he is at your house to see how far he has driven since he has seen you last (I have never done this one, but as I was writing it I was thinking...MMMM Good One)

So, if you have done any of the above...CONGRATS..you are NOT a stalker...sleep well!

Food for Thought!

Just some things that I have observed over the last few months since I have been back. I thought they were such great words to live by, I would like to share them with you.

• If you are 5 foot 3...PLEASE do not put out that you are 6 foot 2..UNLESS you never intend to meet ANYONE F2F


• Telling someone that you are ok with the fact that they smoke cigerettes and then proceed to crush it when they are ready to light up...NOT o.k.


• Thinking that if you meet someone that you went to High School with thinking it would be a quick FUCK....WHILE your still married to your High School Sweetheart....not cool.


• The sending of your penis with a measuring tape around it during the first five minutes of a converstion with someone...does make that person think that you do this ALL the time (I know, crazy thought...but it's true)


• Placing on your profile "I would consider having children" when the thought of the little booger eaters makes you sick to your stomach.....probably not too nice


• Asking to "host" a first meeting when your wife is in the next room putting the kids to bed is probaly just a tad bit selfish


• Saying you are a brunette when you CLEARLY look like the scary guy from Foul Play ( a movie with Goldie Hawn and Chevy Chase...AWESOME)


• Meeting someone online, going out on a date, setting up another date, and then calling to say you are spending some time with your Fiance's family....just mught be a turn off to some people

AND MY FAVORITE....

WAIT FOR IT......

• Saying you lost your password into the website and your not able to get it at the moment, when you OBVIOUSLY are marked as "ONLINE"....is not going to get you a homerun.
  

Just some things I have learned on my journies....I like to share my knowledge.

Back in the Saddle Again

Good or Bad...I'm back! Let's take a moment to compare my life right now to the popular song.....Welcome Back Kotter...

"Welcome back, Your dreams were your ticket out. **Meaning...you so wanted a relationship and you thought you found one in this great guy that seemed to be everything you wanted** Welcome back, To that same old place that you laughed about. **Meaning...when I thought I found Mr. Perfect...I was looking back at all you NON relationship people with an evil grin** Well the names have all changed since you hung around, **yep...I see there are some new people to this dating thing....** But those dreams have remained and they're turned around. **everyone is still searching for true love...NOPE...not finding it here*** Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya) Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya) **It is like Hotel California...you can come in but you can't ever leave** Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've hot him on the spot, welcome back, Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.<-----back forever probably........YIPPEEEE

So with a teae in my eye...and my laptop booted up...I return to the wonderful world of online dating....I find it somewhat invigorating...all the interesting and unique people that I will meet...OH LOOK a new message...and yes ladies and gentlemen....a guy wearing a yellow lame suit taking a picture with a cardboard cutout.....oh god...it feels good to be back....I'll continue to sing my theme song....Welcome Back.....your dreams were your ticket out...welcome back....

Double Standards

I am sorry to my friend that this is about, but you gave me my "AH HA" blog moment today when we were outside having one of those things that everyone has been up my ass about smoking.
So, I was talking with this fabulous person about my blog. Due to the fact that if the author of this blog was known to many, there would be a national disastor...and many people would lose their lives (I am kidding about the national disastor LOL), there are not many people who has this blog location. So, when I feel close to someone I will give them the address for them to dive into the dark life that I have created for myself. So...I asked my friend how they liked my blog, and they did (they even stated that they may have peed their pants a few times during the reading of it). HOWEVER...after that nice reflection of my writing abilities they said the one thing that I never even thought of..."ooooohhhh your a little bitter". OK hold up here my used to be friend that I may now have to slice your tires so that I can PRETEND to want to give you a ride home, but end up dropping you in a ditch somewhere......what did you just say? BITTER? Am I really bitter? Bitter about all the using, backstabbing, freaks of nature that call themselves relationship material posing as human beings on the Inernet and in bars? Ok..that did sound just a tad bit bitter...it's late and I just had to do homework with a ten year old, what do you expect.

O.K. back on track. I AM NOT BITTER!!

So.....i was doing some research on this so called "bitter" topic that my EX friend said I was. And one thing that I realized was....women seem to be called BITTER and men are called "not a relationship kind of guy", I mean come on.....a guy treats us like crap....uses us like a piece of meat...takes our money...expects us to pay for EVERYTHING....and barely wants to make time for us...then breaks up with us...and WE are called bitter...he is called "smothered". O.K. so I wanted to hand feed him and help him dress in the morning, doesn't every girl want to do that? NOW....if we women use the guy...and this is a stretch...cause we ALL know that we (women) are perfect and never do anything wrong in a relationship...but if this were to ever happen in some FICTIONAL land we would be called a BITCH and he would be called taken advantage of. So....let me recap here....either way you look at it WE ARE THE BAD GUYS!!!!!! or girls! :)

So...why this double standard? Why are the women the over emotional crazy loons that don't know how to act after a relationship is over? I mean come on....give us a little credit here...it's not like we write songs about slicing tires, writing our names in our cheating boyfriends car or anything like that!

So...to my friend..I am not bitter, but realistic! Realistic that most men do not have the cojones to actually be honest and tell a woman...
"I am just going to use you for a few months. I like you (sorta), but I am really looking for the next best thing. I truly just want to see how many girls I can screw and screw over in my life. The guy with the most broken hearts WINS!"

All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all others.
Quoted by Cynthia Heimel

Types of Men

It has been a while, I am sorry that I have not been as loyal to my bloggers as I have been in the past. There has been a little lul in my life, but don't you worry I AM BACK ON TRACK!! Today's topic is one that many women and gay men alike know of: The FOUR types of men. NOW, I will say that there are quite a few men that I have run into that fall into multiple categories (this I will example later in the blog). So, when reading this, if you find yourself thinking "MY MAN IS NOT like that", you are a) kidding yourself b) must be dating the second comming of CHRIST or c) delusional and have not been taking your medication properly.

First Type of Man
Hit and Run-
This man is a funny little character. He is one that will place ads all over the Internet on various sites. Most of the time he has a GREAT picture, one that shows off that cute little smile. He has an interesting profile, saying all the things that most women want to hear. And I will say that he genuinly believes that things in his profile. When you message and or call him, he is interested in what you have to say, even talks about meeting up with you. And guess what? YOU DO MEET UP! You meet, he is attentive, romantic, funny, and completely the guy that you are looking for. So, you let down your guard and have a little fun with him that leads to a lot of fun that leads to HEAVY PETTING!! So, you are on cloud 9, he EVEN calls you when he is on his way home saying that he had a terrific night. So, you sleep well dreaming of the children that you will someday have with the wonderful man you exchanged fluids with. You wake up the next morning and you cannot wait to talk to him again. NOW, if this was 1983, you would have waited for him to call you. BUT this is 2009 and you have text messaging...you send him a good morning message in hopes to get something cute back (like you did BEFORE you met). NOTHING..."he must be busy", you say to your self. YOU WAIT! NOTHING....all day long. That's ok cause he must be busy, right? NO! He is not busy...you have just met the Hit and Run GUY. This guy is super interested but as soon as he knows that it could lead to a little more, he is GONE! The funny thing about these guys...you are not done with them. They WILL call again, and if you are not heavily medicated and at your full potential youjust may go with the cycle until you realize there are just so many tire tracks a girl can have before she cannot find a pair of shoes to match. THIS ONE will NEVER change. He loves to make as many conquests as he can...and the Internet is his ocean.

The Smotherer-
I know you are thinking that I just made up a word, believe me I wish I did. This kind of guy is the creepy kind. Yes, it seems wonderful at first, this great attentive man will make you feel like a princess. He may even buy you tons of romantic gifts at the beginning of the relationshiop. So how can this guy be single you wonder OVER AND OVER again? You like him so much, he is over everyday...you two are inseperable. Then you want to go out with the girls one night, he pouts cause he wants to be with you. AWWWWW thats so adorable, but like the independent girl you are, you go. You get tons of cute text messages that he misses you...AWWWW! NO this is NOT AWWWW.....this is the starts of a smothering relationship. You may not go out for a while, you may stay with him as much as possible cause you love that he is soooooooooooo attentive. However, the minute you do decide to go out, he acts the same way again. But this time he is a big ol' baby about it. "You must not love me anymore", "you don't spend time like that with me", "I'll go out with my friends then"...waawaaawaaa LMAO. Get rid of this one. He has MOMMIE issues and will never change. Ask yourself, is being treated like a princess worth loosing your identity? NO IT'S NOT...........NEXT!!

The Committment Phobe-
This man is the worst of all. This man is a Trojen Horse...and wolf in sheeps clothing. He may or may not come off like the Smotherer at first. But 99% of the time, he tells you want you want to hear.He will stay up on the phone with you talking about your desire, dreams, wants, and ambitions. You seem to know so much about him in a short period of time. Many times the Committment Phobe will move REAL fast, you hear things like "I have never met a woman like you before" "Other girls I have dated are not like you", or my favorite "I LOVE YOU". Now please do not think that I am not a romantic and think that some relationships can start off strong and be fantstic. This type of guy shows his true colors soon. Now when the committment phobe has you...this is where the scary things begin to happen. You notice he pulls away often, but not enough to make you think that he wants to get out of the relationship, but enough. He begins to do more things with his friends all along telling you how much he loves you and misses you and should have stayed home with YOU instead. So, you think BOYS WILL BE BOYS, and forgive him. So, you begin to do more for him cause you believe that if you showed him how much you loved HIM he would return to that guy that was at the beginning of the relationship. He does for a little but then returns to his old self. Then you find him on dating sites "just LOOOKINH"...when you confront him, he tells you that those were sites that he was on before he met you....and that he logged in to see how to delete his profile (logging in once could be the truth....logging in four times a day for a week is not) OK PLEEAASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.....you believe that? YEP...we do, we believe that cause "that could happen" NO....a blind mouse could delete his profile off of a dating website on the first try. BUT you are convinced that he must love you cause he is still around and still telling you that if he wanted to be with someone else he would. <-------------- that last part is true. If there was someone else that he found while he was "deleting" his profile.....he wouldn't be with you. This kind of man believes that he wants a serious relationship and then cries to everyone how he tries so hard, but girls end up breaking up with him for no reason...or they just keep cheating on him. Don't pass go...DON'T collect 200$ GET OUT OF THERE FAST! **I did date a guy that was a smotherer and a committment phobe...so yes, the two can meet** And for those of you that knew him...he was a crazy fuck. And another little side note...many of the smotherers that I dated...tended to have small cocks, not sure if thats a correlation...but I am throwing it out there! :)

The last Type of Guy
The Good Guy
YES...it is not a myth or an urban legend. So ladies do not feel depressed or think that you will never find Mr. Right...he is out there. My queen has found him and so has my mom. So, no the odds are not with you...but like any good deal...you have to KEEP SEARCHING!
Happy Dating!

NOW I know why your single!!!!!

I want to go on the record to state the I think that the dating sites out there are fabulous for many reasons. I have personally met some wonderful people that I have remained friends with, that I would not have had the wonderful opportunity to meet otherwise. I have also met some great people through my friends that are on dating sites...so, my critique of these sites and the interesting people (and I do say that "tongue in cheek") that are on it is not really meant to be completely negative. BUT what the FUCK is going on!!!!?????

For one...there is a profile....yes, that little thing that you fill out when you hit.."register for this site". This is the area (for those of you who are fucking clueless and think that this box is meant for blah blah blah...shit) where you talk about yourself. Think of this as the first conversation with your potential life mate...or date...or fuck buddie if that is what you are looking for** side convo here....please refer to a future blog on this topic of FUCK BUDDIES**.

So, in this "all about me" box is where you might talk about your love of food, fish, dogs, quiet walks on the beach, how you love to cuddle, and possibly where you may add that you have 7 years of drama with your baby's mamma...OR NOT!!

This box is where most of us get a small glimpse into the life of a psycho before we know that he is psycho **or her...men, please don't think that I do not believe that women do not falsify their boxes too<------I made a funny :).

Listen up...just in case you are not sure about this, let me lay this on the line...MOST PEOPLE READ YOUR BOX...so lieing about the amount of children you have, whether or not you are still married, how you hate dogs, or that you expect your significant other to take care of you fully .is not cool.

THIS IS WHY YOU ARE STILL SINGLE people. Do NOT lie. Tell it how it is...tell people the truth, they will eventually figure it out....so if you don't want anymore children...do not add "not decided...or maybe...or we'll talk about it later"...say..."I HATE children, and the thought of having to pay for the little shit for the next 23 years cause I cannot stand the sight of your face anymore, makes me want to run in front of a moving 18 wheeler carrying acid". <-----this is honesty!! Yes, it may turn a few off...you may not get as many men and women wanting to try a first date with you, but come on....you really don't right now anyway....so what do you have to loose?

So instead of writing this...

hi, I am a 32 year old man that is tired of the games. I like to have fun, but I have a soft side too. I am looking for a girl that is ready for something more serious. I do not want to rush into anythig right away, but want to see where things go. I have a 3 year old daughter that is the love of my life, I see her as much as I can! So, if you are ready for a real man, like to have fun, but can appreciate family time...message me.

Write this....

Yo sexy ladies....I am a 32 year old BOY that hates all the drama that girls bring to a relationship. I have dated many girls but realize that you are all fucking crazy. I LOVE to party with my boys and do it as much as I can. I will give you the as much time as I want to...but don't think that you are going to go out too...I want you there for me when I WANT YOU! I hate being in a relationship, cause I hate having to answer to anyone. So, I would like to fuck you as much as possible (if your good), and if I want to keep you around, I may let you think we are dating. I have a child that I see when I am not out with my boys. I see her cause I pay her bitch ass mom child support and it is court ordered. So....if you want a man that can make you cum three ways Sunday...and you are o.k. with me calling you for a booty call at 3 am when I am done with my boys....drop me a line.